Really having a difficult time mentally balancing everything and all of my emotions.  There are so many things flowing through me and normally it’s usually not as noticeable as it is right now, however sometimes there is such a thing as too much. By too much I mean trying to over-exert myself without giving a break or taking a chance to deal with what’s actually going on.  There has been some very big shifts in my world in the last month, the biggest and most important one is the loss of Kiernan (my sweet sweet KB) who passed away from an illness she was fighting for a few years.  Really though, there is only so much you can do to help someone and when you are trying to create a future with someone it really is fifty fifty and there is no room for much else.  I’m still pretty fucked up by the entire situation and there is nothing I can do to change anything, and that’s the way it is – simple; right? Not very simple, mentally; exhausting if anything, and no matter how much death I’ve dealt with in my life…. nothing compares to the uniqueness of every single person who passes.  Being on the super real here, there is no relationship like the relationship you have with someone because the uniqueness of that connection.  Well no one is going to know except me the connection we had and what we had built together and I miss her a lot.

I know it will get easier over time, and it will never pass or leave me completely because I loved her.  It was a beautiful thing to be able to love again and be loved, and feel what that felt like.  It has been a while and honestly I needed to reset that part of my heart and mind because I have spent a lot of time with myself over the years and not sharing or loving anyone in that way.  I am very happy that she chose me to confide in and we were able to talk and console each other so very much.  It comes and goes in waves, and sometimes I’m a two on the emotional roller coaster, sometimes I’m a nine, sometimes I’m a negative four and sometimes I’m a sixteen, other times I’m a four sometimes I’m a six and I’m trying to maintain level headed and even as can be right in the middle.  I need to go mourn, and I need that time for myself to accept and let this become a reality now.  I won’t ever be able to hug touch kiss squeeze her ever again and that totally sucks. I know she wants me to be successful, happy and make sure I keep living my life the way I want to.  I will find someone else and you know what all of this will do to me for the future… things I cannot even put my finger on now, and if anything it will give me such a greater appreciation for the next person who comes into my life, or who’s life I come into and for that – even though I have not met, or maybe have met you yet; thank you.

Thank you for accepting me for the way I am and allowing me to continue to be myself, as I continue to get to know myself and learn more about me in my personal path of self discovery.  It is going to be a wonderful future, and there is a lot of life left in me… so do not take this the wrong way; I’m simply putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper because I need to.  This is healthy, this is normal, this is the only way I know.  Thank you for being here and reading, most importantly thank you to me; for being you- the best Chaz Totschek I have ever known yet.

Chazout