When everything started we were perfect for one another until eventually the cracks behind the mask started to show on both ends. The past week and a half of ruminating and thinking about my relationship and the overall experience I am finding myself thinking and wanting to learn and grow from this experience rather than sulk in sorrow and beat myself up for what is actually so. I can only focus on the things I can control and no matter who you are, you cannot control another person and when you try to control someone it never works out well. Therefore I can only focus on the things that I can be personally responsible for; and that’s exactly what I want to gain from this experience. More control of my own domain, everything from my own space to my own happiness, my own experience on my own timeline that is highly flexible, however very calculated at the same time with clear goals, intentions and plans of action topped with execution, adaptability, and the constant push to always be growing and learning. This is going to allow me to become more attuned with myself and that is something that needs to be done. Nothing will ever come to those who wait, though everything awaits for those who seek what they want. I wanted you, so bad – so much to the point I was willing to completely shift into whatever needed to be done in order to fit in and make it work, because even though it seemed highly unlikely and very challenging, I was up for it and was up for the task at hand and willing and ready to give my best shot. Lots of firsts in this one, lots of things that have never been done before for me and for that, who I am today embodies the experiences we had with one another and for that, I thank you.

In the beginning love can be so infatuating and engulfing it can create blinders to the actuality of the essence of someone; with that being said it’s not to say we all do not put on a little show and our best features when meeting someone new, however the deep, dark, inner secrets which we all bear that shackle us into our inner mind is often repressed and hidden deep deep in the closet until much later, if sometimes never revealed at all. These are things we should not be fearful of or be in shame over, simply because they are constructs that exist in this life that we must learn to live with, exist with, deal with, and tame the inner mind that allows these to have voice and power over our thoughts and eventually actions. It is no easy task, what first allowed me to discover this is Enter the Dragon with Bruce Lee. That might have not be the exact movie, but the one where he is in his dreams and he has to fight this heavily armored samurai knight who he eventually defeats and that was his greatest accomplishment; beating one of the his demons and pummeling it into submission where he had absolute control. That is the only part where we should be exuding absolute control, in my opinion, inside our very own minds.

I know this because I have not only lived this, I have also lived with this on the other side now and after a very long time together spending day in and day out with one another for the large majority of the past year, I have learned a lot of lessons and been reminded of many lessons from my past as well. Life has a way to take you in a direction that is completely unique to your own journey through this lifetime. You can allow it to carry you and enjoy the ride, take some time to smell the fresh air and the beautiful crisp scent of the reminder of an old scent or smell that triggers a flood of dopamine in your brain with great memories attached to it; something you haven’t felt or remembered in a long time. You can also allow the mind to take you the complete opposite direction, which I fear event with the most descriptive choice of words we can always seem to do the best with our own ability to agree to our inner discords. The choice is yours and no mater what, as someone who is extremely empathetic and caring of others, I find myself adopting other peoples issues, anxiety, worry, fear, concern, levels of happiness and even to the point where I can actually lose my own self in a way.

This happened and I am sorry I let it get to the point where I did not take control of the situation in the dominating way, as a man should when leading his woman; and her offspring regardless whether it is his, hers or theirs. That was one of the difference makers for me in this situation, we both gave each other a lot of chances and it didn’t work out. Commitment was never an issue, loyalty was never an issue, honesty and communication were the large issues and with those two issues we dealt with trust and our own inner minds to leave up to turmoil. That’s where a few things got a little crazy, in reflecting on what happened with the two of us in order to live a better life in the future, or even consider the possibility of reconciliation in the future there has to be some pieces that are addressed. For closure, for better but never for any worse because one thing is certain and that is we are done and chapter closed at this point in time.

1: Communication starts from within and then is expressed outwardly and engaged in the other person in order to be successful in relaying feelings, thoughts, worries, concerns, fear and anything that may linger that will spiral out of control and be repressed until it boils over.
2: The future must be talked about and planned accordingly so there is a healthy balance in living in reality and having something to look forward to, as well as letting the past be a tool of learning rather than ammunition or a weapon of any sorts.
3: The old relationship is over; completely done and this is an entirely new relationship with a new set of boundaries, new set of agreements where we both have equal say and share in the topic, this is a new relationship where we take from the past and apply it to the future in constructive ways.
4: Goals; we must share both of our personal goals and create our own goals as a team in order to truly be successful and build one another up and make the other person a better version of themselves but supporting, encouraging and cheerleading them on to accomplish their goals.
5: Accountability; this is probably the most important and challenging one next to viewing the old relationship as over and this a new opportunity to create and forge a new one with our understanding of one another. We must be able to hold one accountable without worry of judgment or flak from the other partner or even ourselves. We make mistakes, we are only human. It’s okay, sometimes we make choices and decisions because we think that’s what is best for us and our future and it’s in the moment rather than based on sound logic and rationalization. Forgiveness is okay here and we must not worry about changing who we are, we must focus on changing the patterns and habits of our being and align them in a way that gives and takes as close to equally as possible and compromises will be made on both ends. If needed discuss those and elaborate where one is coming from so both can understand where each one is at on the topic.
6: Trust.
7: Commitment; no matter what happens through thick and thin and all the rest we must be committed to being okay with fighting and disagreeing, arguing and being upset with one another… though there will come a time and hopefully not too long, where we both get over that fact and then begin to let go of those feelings and emotions so we can create the space where we can expand on the core issue that brought us to that point in the first place. This will take a lot of dedicated practice and will not be an easy feat, though after hard work and practice we will be able to understand one another and make this an easier experience over time.
8: Responsibilities; we need to have defined responsibilities and must agree with carrying an equal load so not one side or the other doesn’t feel too overburdened. This does not mean 50 / 50 in the sense that every single day an equal share must be done, overall the goal is to be in harmony with one another, and remember that some days not everything will be fifty fifty and that’s okay. We will still have good days and bad days just as much as we have ever before, must be okay with the mutual understanding and parameter of the responsibility we will share
9: Expectations; what are both sides expectations with one another, with when something goes wrong and needs to be addressed, with communication that will not be a problem, with these conversations in place and had we will be able to build and create the future we want.
10: HAVE FUN!!!!!!

I still feel bittersweet about the current choice of actions and what I’m hearing about, yet refusing to see with my own eyes simply out of disbelief and shock. Pure madness, or was it always destined to be pure chaos. You did warn me, you warned me to run very very fast and very very far. I avoided the red flags and wanted to take the moral high road and not judge or reflect upon your character in a way where those flags would normally drive me away from someone. I wanted to give you a chance unlike any one else has ever given, and wanted to give myself a chance at giving someone a clear slate ability to show me who they are, how they are, what they are and once the true colors started to be revealed, I made things a little bit shinier and brighter than they turned out to be in my mind. That’s okay, your true colors of who you are is something you cannot hide forever, and eventually will be revealed and once they are revealed you either take it or leave it or run from it and keep mixing them together. Every time you mix a color it does not get brighter though, it simply loses the ability to reflect the same way it did before mixing it up. This is an interesting paradox because the only way to start over is to clear the palette and begin with a fresh set of new colors. We are creatures of habit and by nature we want to fall into old patterns and behaviors and starting off with a fresh palette feels nearly impossible. Maybe we do not need to be so hard on ourselves and we can start with a few familiar ones and that will be a great start because it allows us to work around who we already are and how we already know ourselves. This would be a much more effective way to help tear down some of the past issues, whether they are self esteem issues or inability to trust or commit, lack of self love and admiration, always attempting to please others and never knowing when to say no, there are countless examples these are common traits and issues every person experiences and deals with to their own degree. How do we move forward and start to get to this level of understanding ourselves when we have never done anything like this before; and the thought and idea of it seems impossible and like it’s too much work.

Sometimes we need to take time to discover ourselves and explore things on our own and then regroup later in life and see what we have come up with, talk about one another discoveries and what we learned. That has potential to make the bond stronger and allow one another to realize what they had together, what they missed and the rekindling and reigniting of the old spark and flame could very well be brought back to life if both truly want it. There can be no half in the ring, half standing out of it though – both must enter the octagon and fight for it until death. Not fighting one another, fighting for the same end result and that’s where the end goal is for me. Find someone who wants to fight for the end result, untouchable partnership that is probably one in six million but that’s what I would like and that is what I am going to hold out for, who will join me in this journey?