Holy shit it’s amazing when you realize you’ve come full circle and continue to orbit around the same layers of what sometimes appears to be hell and other times appears to be heaven; that is a bit of what this life is like, right? Living versions of heaven and hell at the same time, and at different times depending on what is happening and what we are experiencing. I give a special thanks to emotions and those emotions are the ones that act as driving forces in that divide, however at the end of the day they are simply emotions and emotions without action are simply powerless. There is some real magic in that, same with thoughts, thoughts without action are powerless – now words we speak out loud are a totally different ball game, and that’s something I need to remind of, positive affirmations will do wonders for me during this time. I like myself. I love myself. I am great. I am loved. I am Chaz.

About a year and a half ago I wrote one of my first posts on this blog about have a difficult time mentally balancing everything and all of my emotions.  My post about the loss of Kiernan who was someone I was confiding in and building a relationship with over the last year before her passing.  I reread the post right now and it really struck a chord in me because here I am today, dealing with the same difficulties of grief and loss, except this time not in physical form but in a different way.  I have come full circle nearly a year and a half later and I am now going to spend sometime dealing with not one loss, but the loss of two – in essence an experience as one but two very unique individuals have come into my life and now left my life (for the time being, because one is still alive and I couldn’t be more fucking thankful for that because there are very few things more challenging to deal with than death in my experience) After reflecting on my time since that post and knowing what head space I was in and where I was at when I found out Kiernan passed away (suddenly and unexpectedly always the hardest and most challenging) I had started to seek a new flame and had been talking with someone else for a few weeks during the difficult times.  Eventually that conversation lead into excitement and we made plans to go on a date in the middle of December in 2017 and that was really an amazing few years worth of my time invested and re exploring myself through love and exploring what it is like to love again too.  I went for it and didn’t look back, because Kiernan always told me no matter what happened she wanted me to be happy and find someone who makes me happy. I took her wishes to heart and applied them without thinking twice and I am so glad that I did because I did find someone who did make me happy, and who did show me things about myself I would have not seen on my own. We had an up and down relationship that lasted for a year or so with a lot of obstacles along the way, and even though we were faced with adversity we came out ahead most of the time, until in the end the communication fizzled and the passion and excitement became mundane and we grew tired of the same issues reoccurring on both ends until eventually we both let go in our own ways and then finally officially closing the chapter.

There are so many lessons you can learn from being in love and having the courage to take that leap into the unknown with someone is very daunting and admirable because it means you both are willing to set yourself up for failure by becoming vulnerable to one another, knowing deep down that no matter what happens it could all end in one of two ways…. you stay together until either you split up eventually or you stay together until one of you dies.  That’s the reality of the matter and it’s bittersweet because we all strive for the best and we all want to stay together with the person we love forever.  Life has different plans for us most of the time and when there are two people in love there are two versions of life and sometimes those plans do not sync up at the right time, if you believe there is a right time – in my perception there is no time other than right now and not future time is promised and the past time spent can be used to learn from and apply now or you can keep learning lessons over and over until eventually you get them.  Sometimes it takes some people a lifetime to learn the same lesson over and over again, and it very well could be the case that it takes people several lifetimes to learn the same lesson… for example we have writings that talk about reincarnation and living multiple lives over and over with no recollection of the past lives we have lived.  That’s some crazy shit if you think about it, if that happens – however and you read about my infinite possibility theory it has happened and we simply do not know it. Since we do not know that it has happened, it means we are free to experience whatever version of reality we want and with enough dedication and hard work we can be sure of that.

Back to my topic on grieving and loss, the spark and fire that existed between Megan and I was arguably one of the brightest and most intense ones I have ever felt before and for that I am thankful to have experienced that in this life time.  Even though I wrote in my post about Kiernan how I will have a greater appreciation for the next person who comes into my life, I truly did apply that appreciation and not only through my efforts in ways that were different than I have ever done before. I learned some very valuable lessons and was reminded of some lessons I have already been taught and have yet to truly understand and get: the same one I have trouble with time and time again… there is only so much you can do to help someone and when that person is unwilling or does not want to help themselves. Makes me think it’s best to not waste time and energy because at the end of it, washed up and fatigued while being exhausted and drained in so many ways it can be hard to pull yourself back together.  That’s where I am at, completely exhausted in all ways and I am still recovering.  I take full accountability in my actions in the it takes two to tango dance and I’m all good with it. I did not take the proper time to process Kiernan before moving into my next relationship with Megan and that’s where I think things got really convoluted for me and weird – and when that started to get weird the entire premise of the relationship was built on this foundation of sadness, loss, need for validation, want for acceptance, as well as physical desires and needs, lust, fascination, attraction.  We both fell in love extremely fast and it was something that is unique and different then any other relationship I have ever had before and something I surely will never forget.  When the dust settles and the tides clear out there may be a time to walk down the beaches again and see what shiny objects have revealed themselves.  

For now though, because it does no purpose for me to get into great detail here about what happened or what is happening other then we are now separated and we have chosen to close that chapter of our time together so we both can focus on necessary things in order to get our lives back in order where they need to be, so we can take care of the things are are important to us to insure we have great lives ahead of us. Where does this leave me now, and where will this take me moving forward?  I would like to believe that this will lead me into a stronger better version of myself, allowing me time to take necessary time to rebuild and regain my focus and purpose in my mission to success, conquering the barriers not only I have set for myself, but the obstacles life has to offer to and still come out ahead. I can take the time needed to get to know myself again after these last two experiences and situations I have encountered and take from them for the better and the learning opportunities that exist rather than dwell on the fact of the matter. This is important to me because it lets me maintain my optimistic side and way of seeing things, knowing that there is always good to take along with the bad – more so good if you are up for the challenge and patient enough.  There is no obstacle course that I am scared of, there is no challenge I am unwilling to take, there is no fear that I will allow to prevent me from tackling something I want to do.  There is no room for being scared because I am a firm believer that with my mentality, I can forge my destiny into any way, shape or form I choose and see fit.  This is something I was raised with and something my dad always said, son – the world is yours for the taking and you can be and do whatever you want to do.  

Often times we get distracted and sometimes those are necessary distractions, and sometimes those distractions are merely illusions and opportunities to learn lessons that will be needed to face future problems and things that arise along this journey.  I am thankful for the time we were able to share together, and I am completely at peace with everything the way it is.  Yes it could have ended a little bit cleaner and less messy, but that’s life and shit happens – and sometimes it doesn’t work out and that’s okay. You taught me an important lesson never say anything is forever and never set extremes such as never: I have forgiven myself for any short comings, I have forgiven her for her ways and things that have come about and most importantly I commend the two of us for giving it an honest shot and our best efforts with our best foot forward. Now I wish her and her new partner the very best – because now the tables have turned; in a way that they had turned for me exactly a year and a half ago when I lost Kiernan and Megan popped into my world, and believe me that was an exhilarating time let alone experience.  Now the reverse is happening and I honestly think it’s pretty amazing that the universe has worked out this way; there is nothing I would do to change the way things are other then send my very best wishes to the two of them. As fucked up as it may seem and appear from the outside and even the inside when I know the younger version of myself would be enraged and completely livid to the point where I want to destroy something, there is some real growth and maturity being expressed on my end and it’s really fucking cool to be standing in this light, where I am completely okay with how everything is unfolding.

At the end of the day, I was relinquished of my duties and responsibilities in a way that knowing her and the kids are going to be okay no matter what happens, because with the mutual agreement to end our time together and her to have the replacement version of me lined up in a way that insured she was going to do what was best for her and her family, it is a huge relief off of my shoulders and there is no lingering worry, fear, or concern because the ball is out of my court now. What she chooses to do and how she chooses to process her own emotions is simply now all on her, and the only reason I should have any care other then being happy for the two of them is because I truly do care and since we both chose to close the chapter amicably even though there was more that wanted to be said on both ends; it is better this way and better that we do not communicate until we both are at a place of peace with one another. There is no way of knowing that and here we get to sit in the beauty of what time has to offer; time will heal all and with time this too shall pass. More specifically any residual feelings or sadness that may come from the void that now exists between the two of us – you’ll fill your void in your ways and I’ll fill my void in my ways.  

As for me though, it is very important I take this time to reflect and allow myself to expand back into the essence of Chaz, the reset button has been pressed (11:11) and I am ready to completely rebuild myself and transform into the very best version of myself, which means it is time to set some goals and work towards those.  This time is going to be used wisely and effectively because I know deep inside of me there is a massive calling and I must harness this and take this motivation and put it to work for myself and for the world.  I am not going to let myself stop myself from accomplishing what I was put here to do, and with that – I want you all to know that I am okay.  My heart is healing and I have allowed myself some time to process and collect my thoughts so I can again resume in my mind with a sound and stable foundation.  No matter what has happened, there will always be the uniqueness of the bubble created within each relationship whether intimate, platonic, acquaintance or even friendship.  No one will share that same bond and uniqueness like the two of you have, and that is very fucking cool.  Thank you Megan for that opportunity and the time we shared together and all the great memories that will forever exist, and thank you for being you – I truly appreciate you and that time we had and will cherish that for the rest of my life. You do you now, and I’ll do me ;*

Like with Kiernan I believe this will come and go like waves, and the emotional roller coaster will be one hell of a ride, it always is – and I want to give a special shout out and thanks to all of my comrades and the army that stands behind and beside me and my support circle of most trusted friends and family.  Without you guys, I would not be the man I am today and without you I could not have come as far as I have come.  With that, there is more work to be done here and there is more ground to cover.  This is not an ending and in no way is this over, because there is unfinished business to be handled in a lot of areas and I am going to prioritize accordingly.  Those of you who have known me for a long time know that when I put my mind to something, I go for it and not only do I go for it – I go all in, and it’s time to start really taking a few things seriously from angles I have not been able to approach and tackle yet.  The courage and strength needed to work on some of these tasks and towards these goals is within me and I can feel it coursing within me, especially now that the toxins are beginning to release themselves and the fog is starting to clear.  After each darkest night there comes another bright day – even though the atmosphere may be in the way the sun is always shining.  It never stops and we experience life the way it comes at us, sometimes we must experience life in different, other meaningful ways – and maybe we are suppose to not make life mean anything, after all why should we even take all of this too seriously? Haha.

Chaz Totschek